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Growing

The past few weeks have been difficult for us. We’ve been struggling to find balance as we juggle the various aspects of our lives, especially as we are taking steps to move forwards with infertility tests and treatments. Up until now, we haven’t spent a lot of time exploring this path. Earlier this year, I saw an OB-GYN who ran a few basic tests and told us that everything looked fine. For a variety of reasons, we chose at that point to continue trying on our own rather than moving on and seeing a specialist. However, we are now at a point where we are starting to feel that it is time to get more help and to start diving more deeply into this crazy process. We’ve met with a new doctor to get a second opinion, do some more tests, and hopefully get some more answers about what’s going on and where to go from here.

After a bit of a crazy cycle this past month, I’m still not pregnant, so I have scheduled an appointment for an HSG next Tuesday. I’m more nervous than I should be for this. I’m not sure what to expect, really. I don’t think they will find anything wrong, and I will be grateful if that is the case. On some level, I think it would be nice to receive some kind of answer about why we’ve been having problems – it’s frustrating to hear doctors say over and over that they don’t know what’s wrong, because that means they don’t know what to do to help me. On the other hand, I would rather know that I am healthy and treatable than learn that I have an irreversible problem. So, all our fingers are crossed for Tuesday.

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We know that this – diving deeper into the world of infertility treatments – is what we need for our family right now, but it really has been difficult. It’s been hard to find enough time to focus on each other and to keep some semblance of balance in our lives. In spite of it all, I’m trying to keep a positive perspective and remember that these trials are opportunities for growth. It helps me get through the challenges when I think of the experiences I’m having now as training that will prepare me for the rest of my life. In a sense, it’s easier to make it through the struggles when I know that I am being made stronger, which will undoubtedly help me in the future.

It has been so heartbreaking to still not have a child after the last two years of hoping and waiting and praying. I am constantly on a roller-coaster of emotions concerning infertility, but I have noticed that, over time, I have developed an increased capacity to process and deal with my negative emotions. It certainly has not gotten easier, and some days are still much harder than others, but I am learning along the way.

I have a long way to go, but I am also trying to make the most of the time I have now without children rather than stagnating and wasting these years of perpetual uncertainty. I want more than anything to have a baby right now, but that just isn’t happening. I know that life will not be easier if or when we have a baby, so I might as well use the time I have now to prepare and improve myself so that I will be that much more ready for parenthood, even if only to a small degree.

One way I am doing this is by trying to be more intentional in everything that I do, making sure that I’m taking advantage of each moment. My theme for this year has been “live life on purpose.” I have spent too much time throughout my life idling my minutes away or procrastinating things that need to be done. My time is limited, and I want to do as much with it as possible. I want to be the author of my life, rather than passively allowing it to pass me by. I have been learning to take the initiative and to deliberately work towards achieving the life I want and becoming the person I want to be. There are so many things that are out of my control (case in point: getting pregnant), but I also know that by taking charge of the things I can change, I can have a greater measure of happiness and peace in my day-to-day life.

As such, my goal has been to try to take advantage of each moment by using it wisely and mindfully. I want to develop better routines, making exercise and meditation a regular part of my life. I want to learn new skills and to consistently put in the effort to maintain a home that is not spotless, but that is comfortable and pleasant. I want to put in the effort to nurture relationships and to establish meaningful connections with the people I encounter each day. I want to get out of my comfort zone, participating in my community and taking advantage of the many opportunities that surround me.

This isn’t to say that I’m trying to fill my days up with as much as possible, or rush towards an end goal without careful planning or forethought, although I certainly want to be purposeful and productive. Part of this, for me, is simply that I want to develop a mindset of taking time to appreciate the little things and to use each moment wisely and mindfully, whether that is to cross something off my to-do list or to take in a beautiful afternoon. I know these changes won’t come overnight, and I will never be perfect, but I do think there is value in setting goals and celebrating each small success and achievement. It’s a lifelong pursuit, but I am beginning now by simply taking one small step at a time.

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